Best of S and S: Etiquette in Traffic

I am posting a "Best of Sainthood and Surrender" this week as I recover from surgery. Thanks for stopping by! My prayers are with you.

This was originally posted on April 10, 2008 and deals with my hatred of traffic.

Etiquette in Traffic

I need to put my foot down. Figuratively. Because I put my foot down on the brake too often in traffic.

My commute to work can vary from 20 minutes to one hour depending on the prevailing winds and moods of the traffic of the day. There are a few things that I believe could make everyone’s commutes a lot easier if we followed “Todd’s Laws of Traffic.” As follows:

1. No Make-Up - I love looking in the rear-view mirror and seeing someone who is trying to perform minor plastic surgery on their face to make themselves look better while they are driving. I have seen women and men applying make-up in traffic. Eye make-up. Such as they cannot see because they have a brush or pencil in their eye. Inevitably this ends with the person rear-ending someone and stabbing themselves with an eyeliner pencil. Suddenly we have more traffic. By the way, this includes clipping your toe nails, picking your nose, preparing meals, and anything else that might distract you from driving.
2. No Vanity Plates - If I have to spend time in traffic trying to figure out that “IHRTMCH” means “I love my chihuahua” then there is a high chance that someone else is going to be concentrating on your plate so much that they are going to rear end you and your dog. To be honest, I want to go to work. I don’t want to read political statements or team affiliations on your car. That goes for bumper stickers as well.
3. Bass - At what point did it become all the rage to play music at such a volume that my heart skips a beat causing arrhythmia? You know you have a problem with your hearing when you have to install a bass tube under the back seat of your car so that your passengers’ fat vibrates off their body during the car ride. No music should be played that loud. Ever. I used to live in California so I have flashbacks to earthquakes and I start looking for holes in the road like what happened to Lois Lane in the original “Superman” with Christopher Reeves. That movie ruled.
4. Eye Contact - If you are driving and you need to cut in front of me to get into my lane, that is fine. You better make eye contact with me when you do so. Just as a general acknowledgment of me as a human being. Your eyes can say, “Hey, can I get in there?” and I will simply nod and say “ok!” I hate when I need to get into a lane and I try to get a driver’s attention and they deliberately ignore me as if not looking at me will cause me to cease existing. Or if you shove your car in to my lane and stop looking at me in case I am angry. Well, I wasn’t angry before, but since you refuse to acknowledge me as a human person, I am going to run you off the road.
5. Blinkers - This is the easiest tool on the planet. You flip it in the direction you are going and everyone around you knows what you are doing so that you don’t have to worry about point 4. I think people should have blinkers on their backs so that when they are walking in places like the mall I’ll know if they suddenly have to dive in front of me to grab a Cinnabon on the way to Macy’s to pick up another pair of Jordache jeans.
6. Overly Safe Following Distance - I understand the need to not stop short and rear-end someone, but can we stop with the 100-yard distance? If your brake foot doesn’t operate that fast then you need to stop driving forever. I feel bad for jean companies from the 80’s. It wasn’t their fault that acid wash and the tapered ankle went out of style. We just couldn’t watch the New Kids grow up without some type of ramifications.
7. Stinky Cars - Change your oil. It isn’t that the New Kids were a bad group, I mean, I had the right stuff. We just didn’t want to see them grow up and become jaded. Donnie tried to grow up and be a dramatic actor but all I kept seeing was him doing the dance. At least Menudo kept the band young for years.
8. Jesus Fish - I’m down with Jesus, but if you have the fish on the car, that means you think you are going to Heaven. In which case, I would rather avoid you because you don’t care if you die. I think the Cinnabon was the best mall invention ever. You really can’t go wrong with one of those and they didn’t expand too fast like Krispy Kreme did. That killed a lot of the demand. The same thing happened to Planet Hollywood.
9. Singing to Yourself - You are not Celine. When I worked at Planet Hollywood, I was the best waiter in the world. I would spend my time protecting celebrities and serving things like the “Bruce Willis Burger” with extra shrimp. I would actually sell people grilled shrimp on their burger. I ruled.
10. Text Messaging - I saw this the other day and almost gave birth I was so taken aback. How in the world do you text and drive at the same time? I can’t even text and think at the same time. They are literally two different activities.............. I just paused to text myself. That takes real effort. A lot more effort than driving well, that is for sure.

In our spiritual lives we can become unfocused as well. We let our selves drift and we lose focus on what is important. Instead of concentrating on getting to our destination, we concentrate on doing other things, not realizing that we are not driving very well. If we were serious about getting to our destination, we would put our foot on the gas and focus. Follow the map, get on the road, do what you have to do. Get to Heaven.